about as inspiring as a dirty napkin behind the toilet of your favorite dive bar

You know, I've got a lot figured out. I know, b/c people I respect who are older than me have straight up confessed to me that I make them uncomfortable. "You seem to have so much figured out," they say. "It makes me uncomfortable, so I avoid you. Basically."

The ironic thing is that they have just as much different stuff figured out than me, and I think we could have learned a lot from each other. But good friendships are not 1 way streets.

So I know some things, apparently. But it would be too easy just to focus on that. No, no, no. Of course, I need to focus on the greener grasses. As my human nature and inner adventurer demand of me. What am I building? What am I standing for? What passion is going to keep me up tonight?

That's what's funny is I sleep horribly when I'm excited for something, but I hate how well I sleep when I'm excited for nothing. How's that for a paradox?

I'd rather be head over heels for life and never have a great night sleep than the converse. But you know, life comes in waves. Some things stick. Some don't. Seasons change. Blah blah blah.

I have things to be excited about. I am excited about things. But you know, there's still that question, am I doing it right? A damning question, often times. Also a damning question not to ask, often times, too.

Everything always comes back to balance. Yeshua said to be hot or cold, and I think extremes always have a place in the right ways if you can wrap your head around the un-understandable. It's all always so easy and tough to grasp, just like it should be, though, you know?

And that's the crux of it all. The absurdity and the stunning pure beauty of it all. Our questions and searches are like massages to the soul in that moment. We are contented in our discontentedness and discontent in our contentedness and were often happiest when our left hand doesn't know what our right is doing.

They say clarity attracts, and that's where I get unclear about the whole thing. How do you live in the balance of paradox and feed the urge to become a leader who can attract with clarity? I get anyone can jam the puzzle of life together as they please, but such self-assuredness turns humility into runny eggs oozing through your fingers.

Maybe I should be an anti-leader? I'll detract others with ambiguity. Sounds about as inspiring as a dirty napkin behind the toilet of your favorite dive bar. Sounds about as unexpecting as the best things in life often are.