Hungry for Hunger

I'm sad that I'm not sad right now.
Although, I am glad that I am glad.
However that works.
I just find I'm more inspired to write when I'm down.

Today was a pretty good day, though.
Unfortunately.  Even though I'm glad about it.
Good days don't inspire profound thoughts, though, you see.

Confessions of a Rookie Blogger

Been trying to fancy up my blog.
And by fancy I mean simple and functional.
Like a picture frame.  Nothing fancy there.
Sure makes a difference, though, doesn't it?

Frankly, I don't even like the word "blog".
It sounds so new and cheap.   
 

The motto of every blog

It should be called a, "blahhhg."
That would sound more fitting, and you could make a little up-chuck noise as you pronounced it.
"BLAHHHHHHHG!"

The Walk

Twice a year I get an animalistic urge to walk.
Not just any walk.
To walk like a rock star.

Out of the blue one day, just, "BOOM!"
Start walking without stopping.

In my mind, I always go East.
I just leave my house in Everett out of the blue one day and start walking down the street.
Street after street, maybe just seeing how far I can go in one day.
It gets dark, and either I hitch a ride or make a fort in the woods.
It gets really real for a minute, as the reality of life stares me down like a dare.
A double dare.

Nothing to Say

They say I have nothing worth saying.
I say, worth has nothing to do with it.

Worth is a relative value, and -
it's up to me what I value.
It's up to you what you value.

I feel so consumed by content.
Facebook, TV, books, magazines, advertisements, he said, she said, music, shows, plays...
Everyone is competing for attention..
How could I possibly have something to say?

No.  That's not it at all.

The Only Time I Drink Slurpee's

I hate shaving.  I only use an electric shaver because I don't want there to be any chance of death in the morning.  I'm not comfortable handling razor blades before I've had my morning coffee.  It just doesn't feel right.

It seems like no matter how many times I run that little humming contraption over my beautiful skin it never seems to get it all.  I could probably spend 3 days shaving and I'd still miss a spot.  Of course by that time I'd have a small beard on the side of my face where I started at.  How frustrating would that be?

Healthily Crazy

Feeling a little neurotic right now.  Dancing on the edge of greatness?
They say there's a correlation between genius and insanity, right?
Sorry, I'll notch down my ego's voting rights in this conversation.

My story about the story of me writing my first story

I'm getting more concerned about my own concern for the non-fictional character I am playing but trying to pretend not to play in my book that I am currently writing, but trying to pretend that I'm not actually writing it.  It's getting confusing.  Right?  The other day as I started writing about how I was thinking about taking writing more seriously, I got a great wave of inspiration that that could be my plot.

Death by Bed Sheets

Our new bedsheets kept me up until 4am last night.  That's my first hypothesis, anyways.  I know you're thinking the same thing my wife was thinking when I told her,
"This is why I'm all of a sudden having trouble sleeping."
She laughed, "the Bed sheets, really?"

The silver lining of the lingering mash

Scouring my brain for stories, I'm about as valuable as a mechanical pencil without lead.  I'm not thinking about any story.  I'm trying to make sense of THE STORY.

MY STORY.

I decided to become a semi-famous author last night, so I'm trying to figure out the story I want to tell.  My first task of vulnerable valor:

Craft Store

I felt a little different while walking around the craft store today.  I was shopping for Christmas and "Thank You" cards for my business.  I have to keep up on my client appreciation.  Mailing good ol' hand crafted notes, an art form I'm trying to keep alive.

I think I felt different walking around the store today, because I have been thinking more about writing.  About the idea of taking my writing more seriously.

Useless Valuables

I hate having to take a dump when I'm trying to work in my office; trying to focus.  Probably not healthy to deny your body of its natural functions, though.  So I make the trek downstairs and hang my jacket on the back of a bar stool in the kitchen.  Down to business.  On a good day, I remember to check the amount of toilet paper on the roll before I sit down.  I usually forget to do that, though, but don't worry, I wont share any of my oops poops stories with you. 

I brought a book with me today, for good measure.  A daily devotional, actually.  It feels slightly irreverent to read a daily devotional while conducting bathroom business.  A 3 minute read couples nicely with a 5 minute task, though, I'm just saying.

Googled Blog

I googled the word "blog" today.  I thought it might give me guidance on what in the who-ha I'm doing here.  Nope.  Didn't help.

Saying I "googled blog" does make me imagine how that would have sounded 20, even 10 years ago, though.  How our language is evolving.  Who knows what commonplace words will enter our world in another 10 years.

It makes me think of words that have gone out of style.  My name, "Garret" is actually a noun.  It's a certain type of attic, I guess.  I wonder if garret's were ever trendy, like google and blogs?

School kids gossiped at recess about the fort they built in the garret last night.  "oh my gosh, your garret is so much cooler than my houses garret", they would say.

hmm, not sure where I'm going with this one.  No where fast, apparently.  At least I googled blog.  At least I'm trying.

"knowing" Pains

I'm 28 and I feel like a well lived cat.
maybe I'm on life... 8?
I don't really regard myself as old, seasoned, or wise.

Yet, when I start to ponder my thoughts,
and study my history,
I reflect on what feels like,
the many lives I've lived,
and all of their unanswered mystery.

Through Painted Deserts/ Donald Miller/ pg. 24

"It's interesting how you sometimes have to leave home
before you can ask difficult questions, how the questions never
come up in the room you grew up in, in the town in which
you were born.  It's funny how you can't ask difficult quesitons
in a familiar place, how you have to stand back a few feet and
see things in a new way before you realize that nothing that is hap-
penning to you is normal."

Warren Buffet

Parents should leave their children enough money so that they can do anything,
not enough so that they can do nothing.

Strength

"Strong people stand up for themselves,

Stronger people stand up for others."

-from the book, "Compelling People" by John Neffinger and Matthew Kohut

2013 Review

With less than 30 days until the new year, I thought I would take some time to reflect on 2013.

The biggest highlight was most definitely marrying the woman of my dreams.  We survived pre-marital counseling and 6 months of wedding planning, and everything came together flawlessly, with our pastor marrying us, preachers wife playing our wedding, and getting to escape all of the fun with our friends and family in a 1976 Cadillac El Dorado convertible.  We enjoyed the best honeymoon imaginable with 10 days in Maui; snorkeled with gargantuan sea turtles, took the most beautiful and crazy drive of my life all the way around Hana (and some rad old man on the side of the road selling hats made from coconuts gave us free passion fruit and pointed us to a fellow vendor with $.25 bananas to dip into it and it was SO GOOD!),went zip lining and watched the sunrise from 10,000 feet.

I joined a new Real Estate brokerage at the beginning of the year and have not regretted it for one day.  I survived my first full year of being in Real Estate 100% for myself.  Produced 5 newsletters from scratch, developed a personal brand and website, made a database of over 150 people, I went door knocking (including trying to market myself to renters and accidentally went to condos to door knock- maybe my most embarrassing moment of the year), developed direct mail campaigns, made cold calls, did multiple open houses, & ended up selling 9 houses worth over 2 million dollars in volume.

Saw every single play done at taproot theater, (6 in all) all were great, Illyria was definitely my favorite!  Produced multiple Real Estate videos, saw author Timothy Eagan speak about his fascinating book about photographer Edward Curtis, I played real golf for the first time ever for Dallas's birthday and I only lost 2 balls.

After multiple attempts went to Jetty island w/ Esther, hung out with the Clark family for the first time in years, watched Preacher's Wife at the Everett Beer Festival, Played flag football with friends & moon walked a touchdown and was sore for 8 days, Bought a guitar buddy, drove up Chuckanut for the first time, threw a synchronicity party on 11-12-13, mourned with the Herold's over losing David. Had countless breakfast's with Josh and David Zahina, listened to countless Dave Ramsey, Dan Miller & smart passive income podcasts, read/ listened to let your life speak, Steve Jobs biography, permission marketing, tribes, compelling people, entre-leadership, contagious, and the E-myth.  I did circuit training over 20 times, watched probably over 50 movies and was surprised at how much I enjoyed Django unchained, paid my car off and got out of debt other than the house.  Wrote over 80 entries on my blog, became an elder, I didn't do most of the goals I set out for at the beginning of the year.  I did help one stranger and I also unexpectedly cooked the best meal of my life, though... Chicken Pesto, mmmmm.  4 more weeks to make miracles happen.

Heart's Warring

I've never been down this road so far,
and the further that I go
things seem to become more dark
and the less I seem to know.

Is there no relief in grief?
Does it know no end?
Attached to ones ankle,
like a clingy unmerited friend.

Where's the tunnel with the light?
The one we used to know.
Did it ever really exist?
Or was it just for show?

Would we even dream of such tunnels
without these tragedies?
My faith bodes a master plan.
But that doesn't make the disaster end.

Some say praise without the polish
as if life were just mall's of rag dolls.
Where are your arm bands, friends?
Where are your buckets of tears?

A good God doesn't eradicate suffering
He just shows us how to quit bluffing.
I'm sick of Resurrection Christians
Whose history's wash away like dirty dishes.

Mourn with the morning
and end without warning
for the fallen deserve a story
that's worth our hearts warring.

I've never been down this road so far,
and the further that I go
things seem to become more dark
and the less I seem to know.

Where are your arm bands, friends?
Where are your buckets of tears?

Mourn with the morning
and end without warning
for the fallen deserve a story
that's worth our hearts warring.

Mourn with the morning
and end without warning
for the fallen deserve a story
that's worth our hearts warring.
that's worth our hearts warring.

Resting smiley face

"When no one is looking and you're not trying, what shows on your face?
We have a default setting, an arrangement of muscles that gives our mouth and eyes a look. Some have, as a friend of mine says, "resting bitchy face." People rely so much on reading faces that even though you might not intend it, people are making an assumption about your mood and your approachability.
Interesting question: What's the 'resting face' of your brand, your business, your website? In the ordinary course of business, when no one is really focused on trying, what do your emails, signage and word choices telegraph about you?
Over time, many businesses devolve into an efficient yet foreboding default. It takes effort to move uphill, to put a smile into your voice and your typical interactions.
What could be worth more effort than that, though?"

-Stolen from Seth Godin's blog

Too true

"After all is said and done, more is said than done." --Aesop, Greek story teller

Rest in Peace, David

My heart is so shattered for you, old friend.
You were the greatest friend a kid could ask for.
You always made us laugh.
You always challenged us.
You were always a little braver,
and more courageous.
Even when to a fault.
I don't know if you ever knew fear,
while most of us had him on speed dial.
You were a Daredevil in your own right.
You had this lightness to you, but extreme passion as well.
The unique ingredients that made you so damn remarkable.
You always had adventure ingrained in your heart, Smiley.

Thank you for showing me how to live.
Thank you for changing my life for the better, in ways I will surely never forget.
Our endless memories and adventures will always be a part of who I am, old friend.
I will never not mourn for you, brother.
I love you, David.
Rest in Peace.

sweet apprehensions

Sweet notes
that make my heart choke
nearly every break of day.

My sweetie
is so sweet
if she were candy
she'd rot my teeth.

I'm just thinking
of things
that think themselves
to me.

I'm not trying
to make an art
I only like writing
that doesn't require of me a conscious start.

Along those lines
of these natural extensions
I reflect on last nights
apprehensions.

How should you feel
when you watch fake afflictions
knowing they were real
for someone, at some point?

Movies make me cry
but they're still just movies.
I love them and leave them
B/C they're their story
and so I halfway resent them.

I always see myself
but secretly not enough.

As if the grass could ever
be
or not be
green enough.

How do they see me?

Disingenuously Pursuing cool is as vain as thievery.
No worthwhile friendship was ever forged by stealing.
The frivolous only defines the weakly rooted,
whose definitions alter in the littlest of waves.

The nobility of a copy cat piggy-backs that of a snap chat.
Yet I dream of counterfeits,
when they inevitably catch my eye.
Sometimes living backwards, seems so temptingly wise.

I know I am all I have ever been,
and I hold the roots just fine.
I just need to keep a forward focus now,
and bless those shiny objects as they pass me by.

Pre-death record

Sometimes I feel the need to record my thoughts.
In case I get shot, or something.
If today was my last.
And someone, probably my wife,
would take a look back at what I left.
And there's something cold about an existence,
where you feel endangered to leave nothing recent behind.
As if you never existed.
Or as if your existence in most recent times
was not remarkable enough to leave any marks behind.
Then there's the unsettled realization
that this could be it.
What if this is what I leave behind?
It's not even good.
And then I remember I don't want to die.
And I hope I don't, because for the same drive in my recording,
also exists in my climbing, of where I hope to be, a long long way from today.
But if I never make my climb, at least no one will be able to say I didn't try.

Saying No

Sad but so, saying no to no is the only no I know.

Whether you like it or not

“People do not decide their futures, they decide their habits and their habits decide their futures.” – F.M. Alexander

Chinese Proverb

When you hear something, you will forget it.

When you see something, you will remember it.

When you do something, you will understand it.

                

Beyond Words

You know when you hear a song for the first time,
Like, a really powerful song,
And those 3 minutes are more powerful than most 2 hour movies?

In that moment, it's baffling, how a short juxtaposition of noises can suddenly make the world seem



Beyond Words.

A town called normal

I want to found a town where nothing is normal.
A place where people can gain perspective, and see the world differently.

"Rest rooms" could be filled with comfy chairs
The speed limit would be 33
And the streets would look like bowling alleys, and the "gutters"  would be the bike lanes.

Reflections on Mission Statements

I wonder if there's more propulsion from the remembrance and honor of my existing foundation than the pipe dreams of future aspirations?

If I can remember my values and strengths, that who I already am is great, then maybe I don't need to focus on who I am not yet.

Cheeryosity

Curiosity may have killed the cat- but it also created the king and carried the kingdom.  If we can't explore what we have not yet adventured, how can we live a life worth venturing. How will we make art and move hearts in ways that won't stop us before we start.  Comforts over rated and mediocrity too easy- I'm not living enough life if I tell you my story and the whole thing you believe me.

Thank yous are in order

The grand event has been completed- and all ican think about is- how can we repay the so many that helped us so greatly. Not that the gifts of their contribution demand repayment- but my biggest fear is that their acts of love go unnoticed.

separation of somedays

Someday I will be a famous writer,
until then,
I will just think about writing.

I wouldn't want to tarnish my reputation before I'm famous.

Spiritual Discipline

"Spiritual discipline is doing the right thing at the right time for the right reason."

-Richard Foster

Observations About Observing the Weather

People always look at the clouds
and say,
"Where is the sun, today?"

As if the sun were not always above the clouds.
Would not it make more sense to say-
"I wonder if the clouds will clear up, today?"

Oh, hello Summer

Oh, hello Summer.
I am glad you could make it.
Why don't you take your clouds off and stay for a while.

kick butt

I'm signing up at the YMCA for a membership today. 
I want to start taking their circuit training class 3 days per week.
It's funny how excited I am to pay money to essentially get my butt kicked regularly.

What's ironic is how much better I will be able to kick butt after I get my butt kicked enough.

Seth Godin:

"Anyone who says failure is not an option has also ruled out innovation." 

How to get a good photo

Take a lot
keep a few

Remember before you point your finger, next time

Criticism is easy
Creating is not.

27 years

I was just reviewing my mortgage statement; only 27 years left to go.
I am 27 years old.
So all I have to do, is wait to live the duration of my entire life over again to pay it off.
I suppose if I did it once, I ought to be able to do it again.
I find typically the trip home is quicker than the way there was.
So I guess 27 years isn't that long.
2040 here I come.

Futuristical

The upper hand
will always be had
by those
who know what's not

Love Sick

There's no internet search equivalent to her in my arms. 
Sorry Google,
you're just not doing it for me tonight.

You know your in Love

You know your in love
when seeing your woman after a 12 day hiatus
feels like the equivalent of
12 million Christmas mornings
all wrapped into one.

OK jobs

I've always been wary of "OK" jobs.  You know, the ones that are good enough to keep you there but not good enough to ever keep you happy.  Yet I worry I am only an OK worker.  I have too much of an entrepreneurial spirit to be a great employee and I need too much support to be a successful entrepreneur. 

If That Only Worked

It's funny that watching a movie about a writer can make you want to write.  If that only worked with eating healthily and exercising; then watching movies would be one of the healthiest things we could do with our time. 

I haven't been home alone since Christmas

It's weird living with a lot people.  I don't think I have been home alone since Christmas.  Sometimes the conversations are forced superficial niceties brought upon merely by our proximity.  Other conversations take you by surprise, though.  One minute you're emptying the dishwasher, and an hour later you're still holding a stack of plates, but you've happened upon some happenstance heart to heart of substance.  The weirdest part about these unplanned meaningful moments is realizing, as fulfilling as it has been to hold these plates for an extra hour, it's time to put them down.  "we'll okay then, good talk, see you around".  Why yes, person whose room is right next to mine, you most likely will.

Glory Worry

I hate it when someone puts words in my mouth, "oh I remember when you said "this" the other day".  Really?  I don't.  Don't worry me with false glory.

Oscar Wilde Quotes

A cynic is a man who knows the price of everything and the value of nothing.

People fashion their God after their own understanding. They make their God first and worship him afterwards.

There is only one thing in the world that is worse than being talked about, and that is not being talked about.

I am not young enough to know everything. 

To love oneself is the beginning of a lifelong romance.

Only the shallow know themselves.   

All art is quite useless.  

Reflective Dreamer

My subconscious ambitions
talk a big game
and think big thoughts
but really I know-
My passion will rot.

I'm accepting of simplicity
who typically brings his friend mediocrity.

After me-
they'll never name a city.

That's OK.

Even if I'm never great,
I still wont require pity.
It really wont be a shame,
for shams are only unseen
and unsettling.
But as long as I've got you,
the way I see it,
My baseline is beyond leveling.

Sure it would be great,
being famous and/or rich,
but I know this life's a funny thing,
to no matter what you amount-
to the ditch we all surely dismount.

Even the most seemingly most wondrous of us,
at the end of the game aren't any different than us.

Maybe my Mona Lisa
is friday nights on the couch
with you eating pizza.
Or maybe my King James
will be playing baby games.

It's all the same
inside my mind-
 Maybe some day I'll tell me,
if I ever get done testing time.

Water Over a Troubled Bridge

Enthusiasm

So I have been thinking about the qualities of leadership lately, particularly the relation between energy and enthusiasm.  I had actually never considered the difference between these two qualities.  I have energy, but that doesn't mean I have enthusiasm.. they're very different things.  You've got to have one to have the other but can't have the other with out the first one.  Enthusiasm is like energy spiked with passion.  We've got to identify our own passion drug and spike our energies daily.  Otherwise, our revolutions will be revolt-less, our charisma will lack influence, and before we know it we'll be lying down for the last time with no over time, and time wont have time for any swan song enthusiasm left overs.  Who wants left overs for their last meal, anyways.

words were be

Age, maturity, standards, reference points, values, moral, meaning, fulfillment, choice, priorities.  The words that ring through my head today are sure different than they once were as I can only imagine as they will someday be.

What am I doing, really

What am I doing?
Really?
Drinking coffee, working.  Working?  Really?
It's a shame that sometimes it has to not feel right in order for it to feel right sometimes.
If it always felt right, it just wouldn't feel right.
It's the predicament sentiment sentence of this life.
Really.
Life's a wave.
Ride it.
Riding.
Really.

Selling Is

"Selling is shared enthusiasm."

-Dan Miller

Easy Glory

I like it when someone says something I said long ago, and it sounds good.  I don't remember saying it, but I get the credit. 

Hmm of the day

The more I intentionally indulge fantasy, the easier it is for me to live in reality. 

Turtle Power.

To win, as you know-
lies in the power to be steady and slow.
And the power to win, often lies in,
not where you go, but the places you don't.

You win the race by stopping; by not racing.
Racing is for the birds.
We are turtles, we have shells,
and we are slow, yet we know the way to go.

It may take us a while,
well that's alright;
an elephant may never forget,
but a turtles always right.

Don't look to us for answers,
without patience in your eyes,
cause we only ever find them,
when your ready to least realize.

We don't shoot the breeze
or dodge falling trees,
and we couldn't kill a bee,
but as soon as you stop watching me-

finally you will see.

A turtles always right,
there's a power in their wrong,
it may seem a while long,
yet their shell stays still strong.

Get dressed, it's time to change the world

I have a magical tooth brush that girates rapidly upon the pushing of a button.  120 seconds it girates for.  AKA eternity.  I have been trying to increase my tooth brushing patience over the last year, but I still daily turn the water on by the 90 second mark, the build up of paste in my mouth tells me "ive had enough!", oh wait, 30 more seconds.  I suppose I can turn the water back off.  It's still an annoying unnatural thing for me, to brush my teeth for 120 seconds 2 times a day, but I find I feel better about myself when I do.  I find I feel better in general when I do a number of little things, when I:

Make my bed in the morning.
Pick up after my self (putting dirty clothes in the hamper, putting dishes in the dishwasher, not leaving dirty dishes in my room is a big one).
Keeping my desk organized (reasonably).
Keeping my desktop organized (reasonably).
Waking up at a specific time.
Getting out of bed.
Getting dressed (I've had days where I stayed in my pajamas for hours and I really don't think it's a moral booster).
Starting my day on paper.  If it looks good on paper, then I'll probably feel good about it at the end of the day.  Once I've written out my to do list for the day and prioritized it, then all I have to do is what the paper says.

I feel like most of these little things have to do with appearance, keeping things clear and structured.  I've always thought a clean space makes for a clear mind.  And with a clear mind we can focus, and focus is what changes the world.  So get dressed already, it's time to change the world.

Wink

While checking out at the grocery store today, the checker responded to my "how's it going", with, "regular".  Pause.  Which means "pretty good", he adds, as he winks at me.  Slyly.  Jerk.  Smooth young jerk.  He was probably 20% younger than me, and he had the nerve to wink at me.  I've never winked at a stranger in my entire life.  I'm not that brave.  I also don't curl my mustache up on the ends.  Nor do I have a mustache.  His greatest move was the way he actually moved me through the line and emotionally in that 54 second transaction while he rung up my pizza and ice cream, though.  It wasn't the wink, the stache, or the fist bump he gave me on the way out, necessarily.  But some how he made my spirit feel very light by the time I was exiting.  Maybe I don't or wont ever have that exact effect on someone, but I think I have made people happy before, at certain times, and I can always get better.  I hope I get better.  And when I get better the world will get better...  Someday I'll be a graduated sly jerk.  Maybe when I'm 20% older.

something

My performance depends, and that's why it suffers.  It doesn't radiate and bleed.  On my own I do nothing.  I rot.  I perform to rise to the greatest heights limited only by my self.  I must out perform me, again, and again, or else something terrible will happen...


Nothing.

Looking over the lanes

Human-less thus far, my day has been.  I have been up for over 5 hours, and I have not seen one human yet today.  A bizarre occurrence when you live with 6 other people in the city. 

My business has seen its first symptoms of success after seven and a half months.

For the first time in a while, I'm not thinking- what may I need to sell this month.

I like that feeling, and the relinquishing of that thought. 

I bought a book today.  My business bought a book today.

I sat on this slow computer realizing I have a business that has money, now.

I hope it can endure.  The money I make is determined by what I spend, both financially and mentally.  It has been mostly mental, thus far.  It's weird to have some options; to have my business buy my self a book to teach myself to learn how to better run my business.

I used to always think running a business would be common sense.  I also used to run track, where running meant circles.  Good exercise isn't always productive. 

I suppose the better of a business "runner" you become, the less you actually run.  Running is time consuming, tiring, and limiting.  A good business has multiple people and systems to do the running.  That's what keeps the business healthy.  Not the business running itself, but the proper entities within the business running the right races in order to run themselves, thus giving the illusion of the business running its self.

I don't necessarily know exactly what my "right race" to run is, yet, but sitting home alone working, in this new found state of breath, I believe I am on the right track.  Just looking over the lanes is all, just looking over the lanes.

Unhappy Gilmore

I spot it from a distance, finally, as I park and choose my weapon.  The end is in sight, but I know I can't make it, so I think damage control.  Too far that way it's lost forever and too far there and it will never stop.  I bend my knees as I clutch the club, bring it back, swing it forward, and skim the grass.  If what they say about practice being perfect, then I should be ready.  I calculate my biased tendencies of being too far to the right so I aim a little left, move forward and place my club right up to the ball where it will make contact upon execution of swing.  I keep my club where it is and move my feet back 2.2 more inches so my butt is pushed up a little awkwardly, the way I was taught, and I push my hands down to keep the club nice and straight to try and have my imperfect form just right.  I bring the pendulum back over my shoulder so I can see the tip of the club in my left eye's peripheral vision and I follow through releasing the swing to make contact with the ball as the pendulum completes itself bringing my swing all the way around.  A chunk of grass flies and the ball doesn't move, again.  I feel the rage of Happy Gilmore and hope that my first day on the coarse isn't my best work to come.

Enough (part-one)

Sometimes I feel I should write simply for the sake of making my mark.  Nothing in particular to say, just some type of expression to drool forth from my being.  In case I die today, there will be something from the end left for my funeral tomorrow.  What did he do last?  Well, he said something, it wasn't much of nothing.  Somehow, though, he acknowledged his being.  I wouldn't necessarily be proud of that, but I wouldn't be ashamed either.  And sometimes, I think that's really the only reason I write.  It's just an excuse to remind me I'm not dead, and to keep loving you the only way I can when I am.

There's a seed in all of us, just below our being- and the things we do, say, and think place us on this spectrum of living.  There are these degrees of flourishing, I feel like, and these degrees of death.  Sometimes the little things are all we need to keep an arm above the water, and make life matter just enough to not not.  So I guess I write these words with no purpose other than to give my self purpose.  It seems a little purposeless, yet it effects the way I breathe.  I normally don't feel like my breathe is vain, but sometimes some things make my breath feel a little less vain, and then I can only wonder... and then I start to think about the speck I am and big things like the idea of God and the fact that I am breathing, I am this breathing being.  And all my purposelessness feels somehow purposeful, in a way that my mystery prays I'll never really understand, and I'll therefore always keep an arm above water, make words with no purpose, breathe a little easier than I know is possible, and never not love you. 

Adjusting to Success

After a season of trench crawling in my life, I suddenly find myself being conscientious of my new found trench free success.  The high is so good after the low, I radiate with thankfulness.  When does this radiation become unhealthy, though?  When does my celebration and thankfulness turn into gloating?  Am I worthy of my joy?  Adjusting to success is a good problem to have.

the Sell out spectrum

How I want to be sold..

sell me you first,

and then I'll buy what you're selling.

A product is only as good as the presenter.

A seller can only sell as much as he believes in what he's selling.

If you're selling for anything less than what you believe in, you're a sell out.

Vs., if you're selling what you entirely believe in, then your product will sell out.

Our product is only as great as us, and visa verse.

Earnest honesty translates into a reputation that resonates.

My Future Masterpiece

Someday, once I'm independently wealthy, I'll be able to unleash my independent creativity.

I'm not enough a gambling man to do it the other way around.

That's why I'll never be surprised if they don't talk about me when I'm gone.

No one says, "that man used such sound judgement to lead his quiet life.
What a hero there, taking care of his lawn, kids, and wife."

I don't care though, because heroism isn't the point.  It's not an achievable created position, if it is to be done right.

We don't do what we do for praise or ridicule, but ideally because it is what were meant to do.

And that is what heroes do, if they're a hero of mine.  And if you never hear of them or me, then don't mind that I don't mind.

Perfect Thanks

The last 2 emails I received were 1 word replies.  "perfect", and "thanks". 

2 separate conversations unintentionally combined; refreshingly pleasant in this coupon spam filled too easy day and age.

Perfect thanks.  I'll take it.

Tastes like Nostalgia

When I was a kid, I didn't really like jelly, so whenever I had a peanut butter and jelly sandwich I would refer to it as a "PBJ, hold the J".  As my taste buds have gotten older, they have learned to enjoy the taste of jelly. 

I still usually only put peanut butter on my peanut butter sandwiches though, because even though I like jelly now, it still doesn't taste as good as nostalgia. 

Spilt Grace

I can't remember what I was reading, but I remember his hand written journals across the small table from me.  I think the small table and hard chairs were so that we wouldn't stay in the coffee shop for too long.  I often do anyways.  I am a slow drinker, and I like to get my money's worth out of the experience.  Anyways, he was up at the counter or something, and as I sat there reading, I reached for my coffee cup without taking my eyes from the pages, as I often do.  This time, though, I managed to push the entirely full cup right over gushing fresh coffee all over my friends hand written journals.

Oops. 

"Good", was his reaction.  "Now I don't have to feel so bad next time I do something stupid in front of you or ruin something of yours".

Goal Reflections

I started out so structured with my goals this year.  I'm talking seriously intentional.  I went pretty strong, too.  The first month, anyways.  I can't live on paper sustainably and still feel like a human with a soul, though.  I have never thought of myself as being super effected by my feelings, but I know they're there, and they're good.  Living life according to stuff I wrote down on paper months ago; I just can't do it and feel human.  Maybe a subconscious cop out.  I have definitely realized the way I structure my goals though, needs some modifications to jive with me.  I think I can live with long term check lists, but the predetermined daily rituals, that's a plow I couldn't keep my hand on.

Balancing Balance

I understand the pros and cons of a balanced and counter balanced life.  Balancing our balance is a hard balance to balance, really, though.  I worked so hard yesterday that I didn't want to stop working.  It felt like I worked for 14 hours straight and could focus on nothing else.  Today I can't focus on anything, work included.  A decent counter balance I suppose, but now I feel so out of balance.  It's 2:40pm on a Friday afternoon.  I should be blazing through some work.  Instead I focus sloppily on my lack of focus in my battle for balance.  I guess some days are just meant for laundry and tumble weed meditations.

Convenient

A corded lawn mower is about as convenient as using chalk on a white board.

GRIT (noun)

1) a : sand, gravel

b : a hard sharp granule (as of sand); also : material (as many abrasives) composed of such granules

 

2) any of several sandstones

 

3) a : the structure of a stone that adapts it to grinding

b : the size of abrasive particles usually expressed as their mesh

 

4) firmness of mind or spirit : unyielding courage in the face of hardship or danger

 

5) capitalized : a Liberal in Canadian politics

I'll take #4 for my life please, Alex.

you neek

I voice of wisdom once uttered:

"To be great,
you don't have to be the best.
You can always be the most unique."

Self Recission

The only thing tougher than crying-
is sleeping.
And the only thing keeping me from sleeping-
is the crying.

Every time I ask myself:
"who am I?"
I run from myself,
and hide.

And even though-
I always know,
where I'm hiding-
I don't tell.

That's...



how much I love myself.

My only conviction-
is my lack of conviction.
I believe in myself-
the same way I believe in fiction.

It's fond-imaginative thoughts-
living with deep meaning, like religion.
I'm pecking for reality,
like the crumbs that of a pigeon.

I see clearly-
so irregularly,
the crumbs of reality,
they don't come cheaply to me.

I'm lost like a criminal-
thinking criminal thoughts.
I'd never make a good bad guy-
I too badly want to be caught.

bad is good

As you get older, you will be able to identify the things that have bred your anxieties.

Things will get better,

If you just keep working on the hard stuff.

Dealing with the bad is good.

Life is good and beautiful, when you can work up the grit to understand, or at least have a level of acceptance, of the grim.

God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change,
The courage to change the things I can,
And wisdom to know the difference.

Sure can

“There is no shame in being poor. But it sure can be inconvenient.”   ____ Unknown

Friends

"The friends thou hast and their attention tried, grapple them to your soul with hoops of steel."

Shakespeare

filters

Ive got filters for my coffee, it's going to be a good day.

Poems are

Poems are just poorly performed songs?
Poems are songs without music.
Poems are the silence between sentences!
Poems are your face on fire?
Poems are not your friend.

Your friends are, though.

Beware of the (begging) "Rich"

I went to a free "Rich Dad Poor Dad" training seminar about investing last night, and I couldn't figure out why there was so much pressure to pay $200 on the spot to sign up for additional trainings right then and there if the material was supposedly "soooooo good"? 

The entire 2.5 hours was seeped in slimy manipulative controlling sales tactics and anecdotes.  After researching reviews about this company, I was not surprised to find countless horror stories of people claiming they had been scammed out of $1,000's of dollars by this company.  Even though I thought the original "Rich Dad Poor Dad" book was really enlightening, I've officially lost all respect for Robert Kiyosaki and the Rich Dad brand... not that he would care.  I do believe there probably is a decent amount of substance in these "trainings", but the cheese ball tactics they use to try and pressure the average everyday joe into signing up for them is beyond laughable. 

I guess this reinforces my rule to scrutinize anything with the word "rich" in the title, VERY carefully.

Bad Joke of the Month

What do dyslexic atheists who have insomnia spend their nights doing? 

Wondering if there really is a dog.

Fail Safe Comedy

Why every joke is safe if it's labeled as a bad joke... because then if no one laughs your judgement wont be questioned, and if they do laugh, then you've not only made a funny, but you're also ironically extra witty.  Of coarse, no matter how many bad jokes I try and make, I still haven't heard a peep from any of my stuffed animals.

The farce of growing up

The older I get the more I realize growing up is a myth.  We get older and more responsible, we learn new conditioning and explore the findings of new found awareness and opportunity.  We grow in resilience and understanding, and we may get wrinkled and grey, but the idea of growing up, It's not us but only our actions that change.  The moment we lose our inner child is the moment we've become disconnected with who we are and our ability to simply grow.

I suppose the distinction really lies between growing up and growing out.  We need not grow out of our true self to simply grow up, for growing up is an illusion.  I have seen this demonstrated best when I heard author, Sherman Alexie, speak.  He was able to be the most immature yet wisest man in a packed room of about 2,000 people.  So distinctly, that it was one of the first questions someone in the audience asked- "how can you be so wisely well spoken while simultaneously acting like a 5 year old?"
"FAAAART" noise, I think was the first thing that came out of Sherman's mouth.  Then he got quiet for a minute and thought, and he said, "I think I'm the same age now as any age I have ever been."

Wary of OK

I've always been wary of OK jobs.  I've always wanted heart or harvest without having to be someones else's cog in between.  The heart-filled starving artist allure lessens as I grow older; the more the reality of adult hood scrambles over me.  The river of mediocrity is a harry & scary blunder to jump, but accessible as ever in our technological age.   Eventually I'll have to jump the river no matter what, at least try.  I think maturity is being OK with not making it, really wanting to, but realizing it's not what really matters, when you grow up.

Like Suckers

As I grow older I am becoming more aware of my uniqueness... my lack of tolerance for domineering types.  My passive self just can't seem to co-exist with out spoken jabber jaws.  They leave me selfless in a pool of nothingness. 

The worst part is, despite my identifying this problem, I still haven't figured out how to break free of these moments with good form.  If someone is presenting to me directly, as opposed to conversing, where I would normally be able to get a word in and be heard, how can I break free in the middle of their their life sucking rant?  Do I owe them the courtesy of informing them of the discomfort they breed?  Or do I try and do a patch job and pretend like I need to use the restroom, or something? 

Whatever the case, I typically can't think well when I'm in fire breathing range anyway.  Maybe I need to invent a button on the cell phone you can push that will make it start ringing..

Serious Breakfast Conversation

Had a serious conversation about jokes over breakfast this morning.  How many good jokes do you know?  When is the last time you told or heard one?  The funny thought raised serious concern, when I realized how joke starved the world around me seems to be.  Not to say this funny matter in of itself is all the serious, but what it represents unnerves me.  If I haven't learned to make people laugh, then what have I learned?

Reflection on making a PB&J Sandwich

A knife done spreading
oozed with the red & butter,
pressure applied
from the facet.

The red runs
like fresh blood,
the butter sticks
resiliently-

Pressured better
by the mouths rudder
tastes so good,
as it should..

Close to the edge
of sharpness,
under pressure,
effectively changed

Back to normal.
No waste,
but the blood,
down the drain.

Observation of the day

Learning guitar is like mastering a tongue twister with your fingers.

Race Lies

Words with friends
words with.. self
from self
true
bold
& brave
greivances
from the soul
of our
grave
turning
easy
hiding quietly
grace filled riots
dance inside of me
quiet storm
warnless
& warrantless
happlessness
disguised in
blessed forgetfulness
sea surges
urchin splurges
like claw hands
on Christmas
reached with prayer
stunting grace
ambiguity drowns
another unsung face
again
& again
searching for bumpers
in this soulless
race
searching for a finish line
to take our place.

Talk is cheap... as is technology

Technology is kind of like "talk", it's often cheap on its own accord.  I share this thought from a position of defense; upon reflecting on my recent actions...  I did my first round of mail out marketing for my business this week, and a friend made a comment about the fact that I was wasting paper.  Was I?

I see the argument, for certain.  It would make more logical sense to just email my material, save the paper, save the $.45 stamp, save the $.25 color printing cost, save all the time hand addressing each envelope and having to take a trip to the post office, that would make logical sense.  Unfortunately, if everything we did was purely for logic's sake, then why would we ever even interact with one another face to face other than to reproduce?  Why meet when we can talk on the phone, or even better, email, or text, or video chat?  Why acknowledge the fact that we have hearts and souls and that life means anything if none of it makes logical sense?  Why even reproduce? 

Life's purpose isn't logic, logic is more like life's anti-purpose.  If you ask me, (which you haven't, but you're reading this, so tough,) life's about engagement, connection, and growth.  Things like technology and logic, simple tools for a complex world filled with layered lives worth spending $.70 on attempting to connect with. 

Advice of the week

"Don't worry about what you do, just make sure THAT you do"; is a tidbit of wisdom a friend recently bestowed upon me.  I don't think it applies to all areas of life, but certainly many.  How easily we can get hung up on details and lose our momentum.  Many ideas never find fruition due to lack of action.  Worrying, obsessing, or perfecting what to do is easy.  Simply doing it, that's when life can start living. 

Remembering MLK

"When you are right you cannot be too radical; when you are wrong, you cannot be too conservative."

              -Martin Luther King, Jr.

Protecting what is Pure

When I used to live in Long Beach, CA., there was a neighbor that would always stop by our apartment and everything that he thought that was cool or righteous he would exclaim, "Pure, man!  PURE!"  I have no idea what his name was, but I'll always hear that exclamatory in my head, "PURE!".

I think when we love something righteously, it's important to protect it, but I think protection viewed maturely involves more than simply safe guarding or hiding something away; it also implies vulnerable sharing... when we're ready.  & when we're really strong in ourselves, by Gods good grace, we should exclaim it to the world, "PURE!"

Sustainable Pure Vocation

I've often found action that comes from a pure place is tough to sustain.  When I find something pure I enjoy doing that excites me, I want to keep doing it and turn it into a living.  Equally so, I've found that monetizing something pure I enjoyed doing takes the joy out of it, rendering is unsustainable.  I think we can love our work, it just needs to be work that can work for us.  I loved filming skateboarding as a kid, and thought I was meant to do that for a living, but it involved me living 2 states from home and frankly wasn't very enjoyable once it became a real business.  That work, at the end of the day, just didn't work for me.

My new policy is- like your job as much as it will let you love your life... Love what you do; without over doing it, and protect what is pure, always.

Good right, err

A couple close friends have recently told me they think I am a good writer... which, don't worry, was a compliment that would be lucky to make it to my toes, let alone my head. 

I started thinking about what a good writer looks like; do they often times spell words twice twice on accident, and write things no one else can comprehend, and use spell check and thesauruses and dictionaries?  Are they afraid to write due to what others may think?  Is their mission ambiguous, and do they change the sub-title of their blog more than once a week?

If so, then maybe I am a good writer... like your Mom thinks your good at sports.  Either way, I think my tactic to being a "good writer", is simply subjecting myself to the process of: right?  err...  Which is to say, my thoughts are formed like a blind man collecting rocks.  I'm inquisitive of my conscientious self as I record the meanderings of my mind; like, "errr", should I change that, again?  right?  err...

Delivery

A new habit I've been working on is hand written letters.   One of my goals this year is to mail 3 per week.  A lost art I value, I'm hoping these unexpected notes of simplicity will somehow bring simple blessing to others.  A question I often find myself asking myself while walking to the mail box, especially if I am walking passed the persons house I am mailing the letter to, is why not save the stamp and hand it to them?  The answer of coarse, is that the cheapest delivery, is not always the best.  Especially when it comes to art.

"The Blessed Life" = Toilet flusher

A friend recently lent me a copy of this book, and although the subject matter interested me, the delivery felt like a sham.  An entire tract on obligatory giving, rules, and regulations.  My 10% isn't good enough if I pay my cell phone bill first?  Wait, it's not the heart anymore?  It's literally the order that the world views our actions in which we're judged?  And we're supposed to give with the idea that financial blessings are guaranteed back to us?  Give me a break.

God knows the first fruits of our heart, and there's no such thing as a fruitful giver whom has expectation on his return.  Giving isn't an investment, it's an acknowledgment of our position before God.  Some people may be able to benefit from this book if the goodness of giving is a hurdle for them.  It all felt like an unnecessary anecdote to me, though.  It's a pretty slippery subject for one as potentially biased as a pastor to write on.  I doubt his motives were impure, I just know Jesus said, "it is better to give than to receive", and that's enough said, in my book. 

Reference Points

I think reference points are going to be a theme for me this year.
Do you ever have those topics or ideas that all of a sudden continue toppling atop your radar?

Reference points are the latest game changer to enter my paradigm.
Being well aware of how our environment shapes us, I've realized the importance of objectively identifying my minds reference points. 

If I aim to be grounded in the truest possible reality, I think it a necessary exploration.  What are my reference points, how have they effected me, and what do I want them to be? 

What's the point of life, really, without understanding the foundations of the points, and layers, and perplexities, in which we choose as our references... to stand on, and believe?

Invigorate

Invigorate the...  Invigorate my...  I need to invigorate...
When was the last time your life partnered with invigoration?
What a word.
It just came to me, like a brick to the cheek.
Leaving me drooling with mind meandering profundity;
this crucial life ingredient-
where, what, how,
does it fit in to my life?
Like euphoria and spice,
these highs we chase,
just waiting for their stitching to be recognized & remembered that's already sewn into our life.

While you were watching football

I laid on my teddy bear blanket, played guitar, drank coffee, wrote poems, & thought about nothing & how to change the world.  Nothing significant like dog piles of guys in tights, but until I understand the hype, somehow I'll manage to continue to get by.

What to "be"

"Expect the unexpected, and when you can, be, the unexpected."  -Unknown

Debatable.  I was listening to a podcast with the Twitter boss, Jack Dorsey, this morning, and he said the above was his favorite quote.  I think we COULD almost always, "be the unexpected", but then if we always are trying do that, people will expect unexpected things from us, and then it would just be contrived, disingenuous, and meaningless.

How about, "...and when you can, be, unblushingly, yourself."  Cause damn it, that's often hard enough.  We got enough show boats in this world, what we really need, are real people, and the more real we are, the more different and "unexpected" I expect us to often be; in a genuine fashion of coarse.

Why I hate loving Dave Ramsey

I have grown to love Dave Ramsey, which I hate.  It has taken me a long time to acquire this attitude, because his no debt program makes me assume that he assumes that I'm an idiot who can't manage my money. 

I do realize, though, that the ridiculous simplicity of his program DOES and CAN apply to every single person, and I DO think most people need it..  There is a reason why credit card companies are so darned successful and why they can afford all these "cash back" and incentive programs; they ALWAYS win more than man. 

Just because the credit card companies always win more though, doesn't mean that there aren't undefeated men.  My qualm has always been in the narrow minded mind-set that all debt is entirely evil.  Ramsey's contrarian (in my mind), Robert Kiyosaki, advocates leveraging debt as a wise tactic, namely through Real Estate. 

Real Estate is the bread and butter of practical investing, in my book.  Yes you can have hundreds of thousands of dollars in mortgage debts, millions for that matter, but if you have a good cash flow on your rents, even in a bad market, how is this debt evil?  Not only do my rents satisfy the debt, not only do my rents build equity and my net worth, but once the mortgage is paid, I'm still getting paid all the more.  This does not seem evil, in my book.  It seems more like the epitome of practical wisdom, even if you have a student loan or a car payment. 

I'm not saying by any means leveraging debt is a wise route for everyone, I'm just pointing out the mere fact that not everyone has a problem paying bills on time and buying too much impractical crap.

Loud Silence

My house is silent right now, which is actually, quite profound. 
There has been "white noise" from a water pump thingamajig running in the basement for the last week straight. 
When I first heard the noise last week, I thought it was odd, but after a while, even though the noise was still there, I couldn't even hear it.
Now that the noise has seemed to cease, the quietness of my house seems so profound to me. 
The silence is so loud, I can feel the peace.

I wonder what else is in my life that I cannot hear that is keeping me from hearing..

Balancing Balance

So many seemingly meaningful issues in life seem to resolve with needing to be viewed with "balance".  Sometimes this is frustrating as such a resolution is so inconclusive.  I feel like this balance is wise, but can often make one feel they are sitting on the sidelines of life while the unbalanced players have something to fight for.  I suppose a good way to think of it is that if every coin has 2 sides, if you can see both sides, you've got the whole coin; that is, until you have REALLY got something worth fighting for, then it's time to cash in.